I'm glad that I'm seeing a therapist now. Not something most people would admit to, but with the thoughts & memories I have, I need someone I can rely on, who won't run their mouth & make me feel bad. I just wish, I could talk to someone else sometimes, someone I'm not paying for their opinions. Someone who gets me, and understands the situation. Someone who isn't my Mother, or even my husband.
Today was another rough day. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, I threw up twice, and was laying on the couch most of the day. When I wasn't, I was playing with my kids & trying to make the best of my crappy day.
I laid down with my daughter and I fell asleep. I took a nap & kept having the same dream, smacking my son in the face. I woke up feeling as if I had really done that. In reality, I have NEVER smacked my son across his face. As the day wore on, and my patience ran thin, from my son who insisted on pushing his limits; I felt the desire to smack him. But, I did not.
And for having that desire, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I instead, hit myself in the head, in the bathroom, while no one was looking.
Then, I went and mixed myself an alcohol drink; to numb the guilt of even thinking of causing that harm on my son. Just because I do not feel well, does that give me the right to even think about that. He is so precious to me, I would slit my own throat if I ever hurt him. And I mean that in a literal sense. My children are the best thing God has given me. I wish to burn in hell for causing them any harm, like he did to me. It always will start out small...preventing it from happening is key.