I'm glad that I'm seeing a therapist now. Not something most people would admit to, but with the thoughts & memories I have, I need someone I can rely on, who won't run their mouth & make me feel bad. I just wish, I could talk to someone else sometimes, someone I'm not paying for their opinions. Someone who gets me, and understands the situation. Someone who isn't my Mother, or even my husband.
Today was another rough day. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, I threw up twice, and was laying on the couch most of the day. When I wasn't, I was playing with my kids & trying to make the best of my crappy day.
I laid down with my daughter and I fell asleep. I took a nap & kept having the same dream, smacking my son in the face. I woke up feeling as if I had really done that. In reality, I have NEVER smacked my son across his face. As the day wore on, and my patience ran thin, from my son who insisted on pushing his limits; I felt the desire to smack him. But, I did not.
And for having that desire, I feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I instead, hit myself in the head, in the bathroom, while no one was looking.
Then, I went and mixed myself an alcohol drink; to numb the guilt of even thinking of causing that harm on my son. Just because I do not feel well, does that give me the right to even think about that. He is so precious to me, I would slit my own throat if I ever hurt him. And I mean that in a literal sense. My children are the best thing God has given me. I wish to burn in hell for causing them any harm, like he did to me. It always will start out small...preventing it from happening is key.

I guess this will be my journal. Since finding a pen in this house is so dang hard, even after buying a pack of them.
The day started out...bad. I slept horrible, well barely any at all. The baby woke up 5 or 6 times. I ended up having to bring her to bed with me, which results in very little sleep for me since she kicks me all the time. I had a horrible headache early this morning, I took some Ibuprofen, then I woke up & it was still there, so I took more. 7 total before 10am.
I've got two kids who are fighting with each other, a 6month old & a two year old....how the heck that works out, blows my mind. But, I guess siblings will always find a way to fight.
My daughter started choking, on what? I have no clue, I ended up having to beat her back to get her to spit it out, only nothing came out but spit up & some weird flem like stuff.
Afterwards, she was attached to me, every time I tried to sit her down, she screamed bloody murder.
I walk into my sons room this morning & there's dog poop smeared all over the damn walls. As if playing in his own poop wasn't bad enough, he made smelly, disgusting wall art with the dogs shit. I struggle with myself, because I remember being told I was so many things when I was little that it has harmed the way I see myself today. So, when I have done everything, say it's nasty, disgusting, make him clean it up, everything else... I finally feel like I'm at my breaking point. I tell my son, you're a bad boy, that's disgusting. I see his lip quiver & that's the worst feeling inside. I want to hold him & tell him that I didn't mean that, I just said it so that he would get the hint that playing in poop is NOT good behavior.
So now, I've had barely any sleep, with an extremely cranky baby & an upset 2yr old. Both are screaming & throwing fits & antagonizing each other. I'm trying to clean up the poop, let the dogs outside, feed the kids...all the while... now I feel like I'm very anxious & I can't breathe.
I was supposed to have a play date today, but I just don't feel like going anywhere. Nap time comes early, we all lay down. I have a few nightmares... "day" mares, as I call them. I wake up covered in sweat, shivering, shaking & I feel like I'm gasping for air. I lay in bed, while baby plays in her crib... try to ignore how I'm feeling & get up.
It's 4:37pm right now, I have yet to change out of my night clothes.
The day has still yet to end...I wish I could crawl under my covers & wait another day to get this one right.